Bob Hill: How To Watch Political Ads.

How to watch political ads
By Bob Hill

Perhaps it's because political candidates now spend billions on misleading if not blatantly dishonest political advertising while solemnly promising to be the firm, righteous and God-fearing guardians of our tax dollars.

Perhaps it is because their TV ads are so obvious, calculated, gratuitous, ever-present and teeth-grating-annoying that a weekend at a pile driver convention would be a relief. Or maybe it's because they really do believe we are all idiots; totally numb to intelligent dialogue and thoughtful solutions — and who would know better than political candidates?

Question: Why should all of us have to suffer when the ever-more negative ads are primarily aimed at the 10 percent to 20 percent of the decidedly undecided? It's a little like being held under running water for six weeks because your kid brother is thirsty. But suffer we apparently must, so here are my “Top Ten Ways to View the Latest Plague of Political Commercials.”

1. With a grain of salt — or from about 10 feet under water — while carefully noting the eight-term congressman running as a political outsider, and with dim images of grandma crawling away from the hospital on hands and knees because they won't let her in.

2. With a calculator in hand as posturing politicians promise to cut taxes and leave Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Veteran's Administration benefits and military budgets alone while balancing the budget, paying off a few trillion dollars in accumulated debt, restoring America's infrastructure, improving education and putting a Palm Pilot in every pot.

Or could it be we really don't want to do the math?

3. While counting the number of fawning, adoring fans who gather around the candidate in near rapture as if he was Fat Albert on the way to a Krispy Kreme. Note the picture-perfect numbers of race and gender — and white and blue-collar employees. Bonus points if the NRA member is wearing an orange vest and has a shotgun on his shoulder. And let's also ban all family members from political commercials; I've always sort of thought my mother would vote for me, too.

4. While taking notes to actually hold candidates responsible for their promises. As it now stands, anything said before Nov. 2 cannot and must not be held against them — although wouldn't it be grand if we could lock them all in a room for a week in sackcloth and ashes to listen to their own blather.

5. While always remembering that these commercials are no different than Kellogg selling us a new brand of corn flakes — or Cheez-Its. The candidates are a commodity to be carefully packaged and sold after long discussions with advisers and ad salesmen; it's all part of political honesty, integrity and independence.

So what did you do in politics today, Daddy?

6. While worrying that's its somewhat futile for the “mainstream media” to offer solemn analysis of these commercials; the only people trusted less than politicians these days are journalists.

7. While analyzing and rating the Doomsday voices of the announcers — and in particular how dark and evil the tone when mentioning Nancy Pelosi. And is it me, or aren't most of the ominous, damming voices on political commercials male — and what's up with that?

8. While hoping for a statute of limitations on previous gaffs, stupid off-the-cuff comments and old liaisons being dredged up for campaign fodder. I'd think something like going back to the fourth grade to fess up stealing 50 cents from the chocolate milk machine might be far enough.

9. While wondering where all that money comes from to buy the votes of the struggling middle class — and why?

10. With the sound turned down. It's always instructive to study a politician's face and body language in silence — and it's a great prelude to turning off the TV.

Bob Hill is a retired columnist for The Courier-Journal and The Louisville Times.